Friday, January 26, 2007
Insomnia
I am so tired, yet wide awake. I hate not being able to sleep. My one-year-old daughter is coming back from my mom's tomorrow. Or should I say today, hell, it's after 4am. But I just can't sleep. I feel like my life is so pointless. I know that I'm impatient. My mom always tells me "You've gotta crawl before you walk", but hey, some people never crawled, they went straight from sitting up to walking, and I wanna be one of them! I am so tired of living like this. Yes, I have a nice two bedroom apartment that some people would love to have. Yes, I have two beautiful babies. Yes, I have a husband who, no matter how much of an ass-hole he can be or how much of a bitch I can be, still loves me. Yes, I have a car and a job and blah blah blah. But so what? Just because there are people out there who are doing worse than me, that makes it okay?
First of all, my apartment is a Section 8 property (For those of you who don't know, that means that our share of the rent is determined by how much we make and how many children we have, the other share is paid by HUD) and our car is a 1993 Mitsubishi Eclipse. That's right. My car is 14. In two more years, it can get it's own damn license. And my job? I make $8.22 an hour to listen to people bitch about the stupidest things.
"What do you mean there are no more window seats? Well can't you move someone?"
Yeah, like I'm going to change some one
else's seat assignment without their consent just to make you happy--You're not even nice.
Or--this is my favorite, I got this call on Thanksgiving--
"I flew from New Orleans to DC and I left my bags at home" (That's right, at home, not at the airport). "My friend said that she can bring them to the airport, but I need you guys to fly them here and I'll pick them up."
There are so many things wrong with this scenario. First of all, who goes to the airport and leaves their luggage at home? So I told her, no the luggage must be accompanied by a person. We are an airline, not a courier.
"Well, I can buy a ticket for it." If she could buy a ticket for the luggage, why couldn't she buy a ticket for her friend to fly it out there.
"Well, can't you put a flight attendant or pilot on charge of it?" HELL NO. So then she can say something is missing and try to sue the company? I really don't give a damn one way or another, but really.
"I'm never flying this airline again!!!" They always say that when they don't get their way. I told her to call every other airline she could think of, tell them this story, and see if they say the same thing.
I don't want to do this for the rest of my life! Union or not. I hate customer service, but I'm good at keeping my cool and pretending to kiss customers' asses, so I've been in this field for 6 years.
A lot of people don't understand why I am suddenly so upset. A lot of it (probably all of it) is from the
ppd. I feel like a failure. I can't be a good enough mom. My career as a mortgage agent is pretty much done. I mean, I am still licensed and I could go back to my broker on my knees begging to try harder, but what's the point? Six months and I didn't close a single loan. I spent more money that I had on business cards, fliers, keeping up a cell phone that never rang. I sent out hundreds of postcards a week. I spoke to everyone I met and mentioned that I was a mortgage agent. A lot of good it did me. So now I'm a Reservations Agent for a stupid airline.
Not to mention that my 18-year-old sister just bought a brand new Pontiac G6. And my 21-year-old brother just bought a brand new Ford Explorer. And here I am, working my ass off, and I've never had a brand new anything. All of the stupid boyfriends I had in the past made sure they screwed my credit along with me.
Plus, after 4 years of trying to get back in college, I finally enrolled at University of Phoenix online. I was doing great, so great that I didn't want to take time off to have my baby in November. I just let my instructors know that my assignments would be a little late (I also let them know why) and they said fine.
Unfortunately, administration didn't care. As I was struggling to keep up with my coursework while deprived of sleep and chasing a toddler half the time, I failed to post on two separate days a couple of times, but did get all assignments in. So, three days before Christmas, I got a call saying that I had been dropped from one of my classes, and not only do I have to take it over, but I have to pay $800 first! And this is before I can continue with any other classes and before I can receive any more financial aid. I don't have any way to pay for that! That's why I had Financial aid to begin with. So, pretty much, because I didn't want to get a couple weeks behind, and I thought I could do it all, I am now going to be months behind.
It's all hopeless.
Labels: Depression, Failure, Pessimism, PPD
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