Friday, January 26, 2007
Cry, Cry, Cry
I am so upset. I've been this way all day. I never did go to sleep last night. This morning I went into a crying fit because of everything that I never did do and never will be able to. Having social anxiety throughout my adolescence screwed a lot of things up for me. I really wish I had known what it was and gotten help. I have never been to a Homecoming game or dance. I went to my cousin's winter ball and just wandered around, scared and nervous. I never went to the prom (Junior or Senior), the Snow Ball, the Military Ball, or any other social event. I didn't go to parties, or much of anywhere at all. I didn't have a Sweet 16. I planned on having a Sweet 17, but we moved to Nevada the summer I turned 17 and I didn't know anyone. I have been to exactly 2 nightclubs in my life, once at each club. I'm 22-years-old and I don't even know how to dance. I never learned because I was always so afraid and self-conscious. It's like I never got to live. It just makes me so sad that these are things I'll never be able to do.
I feel like I'm so worthless. I have been working for 7 years, since I was 15-years-old, and I have nothing to show for it. I just want to burst into tears. Every guy that I ever thought loved me just took me for all I had. I spent years trying to be accepted and felt like I had to try to do whatever it took. When I got a boyfriend, I would make sure that I didn't do the things that guys always complained about: I wouldn't accuse them of cheating, or give them a curfew, I didn't ask them to buy me expensive things, I did whatever they wanted. And what did I get? I got cheated on, I was constantly broke from giving the bf money. I was lied to, I was ignored until something else was needed. In short, I always got a broken heart.
Yes, I'm married now. Yes, I have kids and a job and etc. But now my life is over. I can't go out. I can't spend my money on me. I feel like I am never going to feel fulfilled. I don't even have any hobbies. I don't have any friends. And I have to either bug my husband to get off of the laptop or wait until late at night just to blog or surf the net.
Speaking of husbands and low self-esteem, he's been looking at all these naked chicks online and then wanting to have sex with me. Now, I have never had a problem with him looking at porn or anything like that, but what bothers me is that he looks at these little skinny women with huge breasts--in short, the opposite of what I look like. I told him I wouldn't mind if he looked at women my size. I even found a site that had women who were around my size, not too big, but definitely not skinny. You know what he said? "I don't want to look at those fat bitches!" But he swears up and down that I'm not fat.
But what am I supposed to think when he looks at women with perfect bodies and then wants to hop into bed with me? It makes me think that he's thinking of them.
I blogged @
5:47 PM
