Monday, January 22, 2007
Cancer?!
So, I went back to my OB/
GYN today to follow up on how I am handling my antidepressants he gave me for my
PPD. I told him how the suicidal thoughts have began to subside, and I'm feeling a little better, although I wouldn't say I'm feeling normal. He nodded, gave me another 7-day supply and a prescription, then dropped a bomb on me;
"So, your Pap Smear was abnormal." He said casually.
"Okay..."
Silence.
He flipped through my chart. "I see your Pap in April was normal...Have you ever had an abnormal Pap Smear?"
"No...What exactly does an 'abnormal' Pap Smear mean?"
So, he explained (in a very non-
chalant way to keep me from panicking) that it just means that my Pap indicated that there are some abnormal cells in my cervix, most likely
pre-cancerous, but I shouldn't worry, Then he said that he wanted me to come back in three weeks to have him look at my cervix with a little microscope camera.
So, then I made my appointment and drifted out to the elevator, bought some coffee in the lobby, and then drifted to the car, where I sat and sipped my coffee while I let what I just heard sink in.
Abnormal cells?
Cervical Cancer?
I thought about my babies. My husband. My mother.
Cancer?I drove home, fighting hard to concentrate on the road. It's been really hard for me to focus on the road since I've developed
PPD, and now I have something else to screw up my concentration.
I got home and told me husband. He shrugged it off.
"You probably don't have it. And it you do, then they'll just remove it. Or you'll get a hysterectomy. We don't need any more kids anyway."
I scowled at him.
"What, you want more kids?"
"Well, I was thinking 4 or 5 years down the line..."
"Well, you probably won't need a hysterectomy. And if you do, and you really want another kid that bad, then we'll adopt."
How comforting. It's easy for him to make it seem like no big deal. Some people call that optimism. I call it denial.
So, I went online and looked up cervical cancer. The only symptoms listed are continuous discharge, abnormal bleeding, and heavier periods. I have had a lot of abnormal bleeding since I had my baby 8 weeks ago tomorrow. Like after the
lochia stopped, a week later I started bleeding off and on and it's still happening. And even though the websites that I've been viewing say that it's easy to treat cervical cancer in it's early stages, I'm still worried. Just the word cancer makes me all cold and anxious.
Labels: cervical cancer, PPD
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