So, since Friday, I have been going through that confused, sad, lonely period that everyone goes through during a breakup. But I am standing my ground. See, Friday night, I let him back in to talk, and the first thing he did was go to the bedroom closet, grab the box that I keep all of my first daughter's birth keepsakes, and pull out his condoms. I said "Oh, no, we are not about to do it." He said he didn't want to have sex, he was counting them. I was confused because when he had left that morning, I thought that he had taken everything, including his condoms. Then he said that there were two missing; There were only seven condoms, and according to him, we had only had sex three times. I personally, am not sure how many times we had sex in the last two weeks, but I know I didn't use any condoms. Like I said, I didn't even know that they were there. So we got into a huge fight. He slapped me, I hit him, he ripped my new shirt, my new favorite shirt that I had only worn twice, and I made him leave again.
I stayed away from home all weekend and worked ten hours each day to make up for the time that I missed while I was awaiting my drug test results. I finally came home last night. This morning my husband called and wanted to come and see the babies. I told him that the oldest was a my mom's but the baby was here. So he came over. He was trying to kiss me and tell me that we need to be back together, but at the same time, he told me that he had a picture of me on his phone giving some guy head. I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about and he talked about it so much that I made him leave and get the phone so that I could see this picture for myself. And you know what I saw when he got back? A blurry picture of a dark shadow in the shape of a circle, and with something light colored in front of it. He swore up and down that there were facial features in the shadow. He's psychotic. I am so done with his crazy ass. He keeps saying that he wants to be back with me, but he thinks that I'm cheating, so that doesn't make any sense. Plus he's been telling people that I am a cheater and showing them that stupid picture and trying to point out his stupid idea, but pretty much dragging my name through the mud. Then he says that I did this to myself, that I made my bed and now I have to lie in it and it pisses me off because I haven't done a damn thing wrong! I am at the point where I just don't give a fuck about him, this relationship, or men in general.
I am so pissed off right now. My husband is such an idiot. First, he ruined Valentine's Day by ignoring me and playing video games, while I cleaned up and took care of the babies. He didn't spend any time with me. He didn't spend any time with me. Then he took a three hour nap, and woke up vacuumed the living room. Whoopty-fucking doo.
And then he started with me again tonight. He was being an asshole, as, usual. I went back to work today, and he, coincidentally, got off of work five hours early. He spent all day playing video games and lounging around the house, child-free. Then I get home from work and he keeps playing video games while I took care of the babies. He bitched about how I didn't do anything and yada, yada, yada. I reminded him of what I had done the day before. He then went on to bitch about some other shit.
We eventually got into an argument and I called him a punk-ass bitch. He called me a hoe, and I told him to get out of my bed. He refused and we got into a huge fight, he took my glasses to try to prevent me from leaving, and I called my mom. She cussed him out.
Now he's saying that he's leaving tomorrow, and he's saying that I won't have the car and etc. He honestly thinks that I can't make it without him. But he keeps forgetting about I was making it alone before he came along and I can do it without him.
I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!! All I ever wanted was to love and be loved by someone and he wouldn't do it. He had to make me feel like I wasn't worth anything and he had to ruin my life. The only good thing that came from our marriage was my baby girl, and I would never want her or my older one to grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way for women to be treated.
He's saying now that I have been lying to and deceiving him and that I am writing this so that some mysterious "him" can read it. And he just said that his daughter doesn't matter to him. He is so out of here.
I have had a pretty alright Valentine's Day. My husband had actually forgot and when we were at my mom's house yesterday he overheard us talking about it, and said "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day?" At which point, we forced him out of the door to get me a gift. We exchanged our gifts at almost midnight--I got him a card, a red heart pillow, some candy and a balloon. He got me this huge, beautiful Valentine's bear, a box of candy and a rose. But I've spent all day cleaning the house and he's been playing video games. How Romantic.
So, I had my colposcopy yesterday, and it was not as bad as I thought. I took a very strong pain pill before hand, but when I had to sign a consent form that said "Cervical biopsy" I freaked out and had to take a Klonopin, and in the end, felt very high for the rest of the day. So, now I pretty much have to wait for a phone call letting me know whether I have cancer, and I'm getting an IUD so no more babies will be coming out of me, at least not for another 5 years!
So, my husband and I filed our taxes on Monday and got back $3388. We haven't gotten the baby's social security card yet so we are going to have to amend our taxes once we get it and then we'll get like another 2 grand. Anyway, we paid all of our bills and paid off our laptop and then went and got a car. I was getting pretty discouraged at first. I had paid $49 for this auction site called seizecars.com because it had made it seem like there were so many auctions in our area with such a selection of cars. But when I joined it, I found that there were no auctions listed in Nevada at all! I hate sites that deceive you like that. So I called their customer service department and got my refund. Then, my husband was trying to get me to buy a minivan from some guy he knows. I was furious. A minivan? What do I look like a thirty-something soccer mom? So, I was starting to think that I was gonna have to buy another bucket, and just deal with the fact that I don't deserve a nice car. Then he went to the dealership that we had gone to before that had been willing to give us a car before he got fired from West. They helped us select a car, and I was being really picky. I'm sure my husband and the salesman were both getting frustrated. But so was I. I wanted a car that was made in this century, that looked nice and that I would look nice driving. And I really wanted key less entry, preferably with an alarm. We ended up getting a 2001 Nissan Altima. It's black, power everything, sunroof, the works. It even has a CD changer. I was ecstatic. We went to the dealership Thursday to sign the paperwork.
When it came time to sign the paperwork, my entire mood was ruined. The salesman said "There's no way you can get the car with her on it". He said that if we had the car for six months to a year, then we could refinance or trade it in and he could co-sign for me. I couldn't believe it. I was making the down payment (and I say that because the reason we got so much money in our tax refund was from EIC from my daughter), and I am going to be making the payments to improve his credit enough to co-sign on a car for me so that then I can improve my credit?! I wanted to cry. I felt like this isn't even my car. He can take it away at any time. Plus, I am pretty much doing all of the work to raise his score. Then I have to have him co-sign for me after I raise his credit score and then take Lord knows how long to raise mine.
What upsets me the most is that the salesman ran my credit and lowered it four points. Now he had run my credit less than two months ago. He knew what he could and couldn't do. He knew that he couldn't work with my credit, but he still ran it again and now it has lowered. I can never win.
I am so fucking tired of this shit. This motherfucker has got to go. I'm sick of him accusing me of cheating and making his snide comments. I joined an online community called IMVU where you can make an avatar and buy clothes and houses and cars and anything else. It's pretty much a fantasy game where you can chat with people. He has been trippin because I've been chatting with people on the other side of the country. He said that he didn't know whether or not they were over at our apartment when he was at work. WTF?!? Then he starts saying that the reason I don't wanna go to the Superbowl party is because I am planning to move while he is gone. In his words, "The U-Haul is already paid for." What? Nothing is packed. Everyone is at the Superbowl party. Who would be moving, me and the baby? He's fucking retarded.
I was in such a good mood earlier. But, as usual, my husband had to go and ruin that. He was working on his essay and was confused about the feedback he had gotten from his professor. The problem was that he hadn't spell-checked (He misspelled the word outsourcing 8 times), there were numerous grammatical errors, he didn't use APA format, and he didn't cite his sources. He started whining about how they didn't give him enough time to do this work, and how could they expect him to? Never mind the fact that I took that exact same class while pregnant, working two jobs and taking care of my daughter. He doesn't seem to understand that for a persuasive essay, you have to provide proof of the argument that you're making and that you have to cite your sources. He thinks that he can just make some stuff up off of the top of his head and then copy and paste someone else's work on top of that, and tada! there's an essay.
So then he decides that he wants to have an attitude because I wouldn't do his work for him. Well, sorry, I am not about to get your education for you. What's the point of going to college if you're not trying to learn? Well, whatever. Then he started with the whole why don't I tell him the truth bullshit. Well, I do tell him the truth, and he refuses to accept it, so whatever. I am not going to trip over this shit anymore.
I am so pissed right now I could punch someone. I thought that things had changed. When I took my husband back, it was with the understanding that he would stop with the baseless accusations and trust me. I told him that I was tired of dealing with him accusing me of cheating when I have been COMPLETELY faithful to him. He agreed that he would trust me, he acknowledged that he had a problem and he knew that this was his last chance. Now guess what? He just blew it.
He took the baby to get her first set of immunizations today. When he got home, the first thing he asked me was "Who was smoking a cigarette outside?" Now, we live in an apartment complex, so it's not like this is private property. So my reply was "How am I supposed to know what anyone was doing outside? I've been in here." It could have been the cigarette I was smoking the other night when I went to get my pack, but I doubt that it would still be there. Anyway, then he was walking around giving me evil looks and shit. I asked him what was wrong. He said I knew what was wrong, I knew what I had done. What? I had watched General Hospital, talked to my mom, searched for washer/dryer combos online, and talked to my friend on the phone until he got home. What was wrong with that?
Then he was throwing pillows off of the couch. I ignored him and put the baby in her bassinet. He walked to the bedroom door with my hairbrush. "What did you need the brush for? Whose hair were you brushing?" (My hair looks a hot mess today).
"I was brushing my daughter's hair. You can go look, I put her hair in a ponytail."
He walked away with a smirk on his face. Then he went into the bathroom and started smoking a cigarette, and I went and joined him. I reminded him of the conversation we had had a few days prior about communication. I said that if he was upset with me about something (real or imaginary), then he needed to tell me. I at least deserve to know what I was being persecuted for. He said that I knew what I did. I named everything that I had done since he left. He just smirked. I could see him clinching and unclinching his jaw.
He told me to tell him that I wasn't like the friend I had just gotten off of the phone with. He said that she is a ho because she found someone new only a few weeks after getting out of a relationship. What that had to do with us, I have no idea.
Then as I was blogging, he comes into the living room and says "Do you think I'm a sucker? A fool?" Blah blah blah. I ignored him.
Anyway, I went into the bedroom to see why the baby was crying and ended up talking to him. Apparently, as he was leaving, a car with two guys pulled up in front of our building. He said the guys started walking towards our apartment. I reminded him that our unit is in the middle, and they probably were going to visit our neighbors on the left, because they tend to have an awful lot of company.